Pages from Peter’s diary:

January 7th: Made a vague and probably useless decision to keep a sort of scrappy diary here occasionally. Main advantage is that it tidies the mind and promotes new growth, like clearing the sour round an old clump of perennials. Well, what has happened so far this year? I’ll tabulate, not heirarchically, but as I think em up:

1. Spain getting more serious i.e. more finalistic every day. Many of my friends are there: Phillip is back, and Esmond Romilly, but Ralph Fox is dead. The new line-up, real democracy with communists as the keystone, v. fascist internationalism. No better justification of Stalinism and 7th Congress decisions has yet appeared. Democracy is nowhere more than a temporary concession provided by a prosperous capitalism. I’m now quite convinced I should have gone, though I would have been scared to hell; if I’d popped off it would have been a neat and sensible way out, and if not I’d have got things straight and felt completely solid and foursquare, without liquid intestines.

2. Finished last year apparently completely in love with D, with whom I went to a New Year’s dance. There are still big sections of my life that she doesn’t touch, but its not a position I can encourage; she insinuates herself into more and more of my affairs, and I find myself increasingly unable to make major decisions without taking her into account. This is a good thing, developing the essential link-up between personalities and society, but I shall never allow myself to become dependent on her. She lacks some very necessary things: notably in my eyes prosaitoV [*see note at bottom of page]: but she has a sweet understanding and a sweet nature. More important, I find the mutualité increasing, the “we that were two are one” or “l’egoisme à deux”.

I have always felt lust towards her, since I first met her, and she has a supremely lovely body, though I think her less beautiful than many people – her eyes and cheek-bones are the best – and a magnificent verve. But nowadays I want her about and need her friendship and presence always. Affection plus lust is the ideal in my view, and I think we’re getting it. As to her line on me, I’m still not very certain. I’m pretty sure she’s contentedly in love with me, but she is still pretty wild and irresponsible, and needs admiration so desperately that she risks certain intellectual reserves in providing herself with a circle of admirers. She thinks she has her money’s worth out of the change-over, but she’s very young indeed – it surprises me vastly every time I see her – and finds growing up very trying, and in a very secret way regrets the passing of the “super-sports-Spikes” days.

*Note: I am a little unsure as to the Greek word as transcribed by my grandmother, but a Greek-speaking friend of a friend suggested this word meaning “approachable, welcoming”. SW